And thus it begins...

It is July today...and after careful calculation and recalculations (forgive me, it took me awhile to warm-up), I have come to the heart-wrenching realization that my summer is half over.

Tears aside, a month and a half has gone by...and what do I have to show for it? Sure, I've spent quality time with some good friends and family, but I can't help but look back and feel a sense of emptiness and unfulfillment with how I have chosen to spend my time, effort and emotion. More often than I'd like to admit, I find myself reflecting on this past year and falling into self-pity, depression and hopelessness. God, why did all these things happen? I question whether it was really necessary for God to allow so much hurt and anguish in order to show me how much I need Him. I like to blame God, blame anyone other than myself- I'm merely the victim. But when I ask God for greater clarity, I realize what a fool I am. God didn't let these things happen, I did. He's the one who kept pulling me through, guiding me away from darkness and into His light, forgiving and healing me. Without Him, I don't know if I would have survived this past year. Yet even after all that has happened, I'm slipping...and knowingly so. If I forget everything that I learned from this past year, doesn't that mean it would've all happened for nothing? I'm frustrated with how easily I forget how much I need God in my life- how easy it is for me to block Him out when everything in my life seems manageable and believe that I can live my own life without Him. But from this point forward, I refuse. I refuse to let myself slip away from who I am and away from God, I refuse to not care enough to do something about it, I refuse to let myself wallow in the past and I refuse to let the rest of this summer go to waste.

For leadership in my fellowship next year, we're required to read a book called "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections of Christian Leadership" by Henri Nouwen. One statement really spoke to me and now has manifested itself into my mind: "The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God." Crazy right? Also feels like a ridiculous amount of pressure. It just goes to show that despite all the ridiculous foolish things I think and do on the regular, God still sees me as someone worthy enough to be used as a vessel. Now that is love.

Alright I have made my very first post much too long- for that, I apologize. I sincerely hope I haven't scared you all away. Also, if you actually made it this far, I congratulate and thank you. Such friendship is greatly appreciated (and needed)! Best wishes & stay tuned :)