9 months later...

...and this is why I don't keep a journal. Because even though I do like writing (especially about myself), I lack the self-discipline to do so; thus, I try to stick to things I am consistent about...like facebook! But truth is God has been stirring in my heart & I feel a need to share.

So I have scoliosis. I was diagnosed over the summer, but never thought much of it. In fact, I was kind of excited about it--it sounded cool & I felt like I was a member of an exclusive group. How ignorant am I? (Don't answer that). Not until this past month did I realize the very real repercussions this could mean for me. Over the last few weeks, my back pain flared up again, more severe than it has ever been. I thought nothing of it & tried to ignore it. I finally decided to visit the Tang center when it started taking me 10 minutes to change because I had to sit on a chair to put my jeans on and I would have to brace myself every time I had to sneeze because an abrupt pain would shoot up my back.

After visiting Tang yesterday & being referred to physical therapy, I still didn't take it too seriously. We had an IM soccer game last night & I didn't question that I wanted to play. After about 5 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore. The pain in my back was excruciating and it was a struggle for me to get up & go to small group afterwards. My doctors & my parents have all told me that working out is not an option for me now. But exercise has become an integral part of my everyday life and it's something I don't know if I can give up. Whether it be running, taking classes at the RSF, playing tennis or soccer, exercise has become something I turn to for energy, inspiration, happiness and ultimately, life. Anytime I'm upset or frustrated with someone or at a situation in my life, I turn first to exercising. Anytime I'm bored, my first response is to go to the gym. Working out has a therapeutic effect on me. It calms me, brings stability & consistency to my life and also builds my self-confidence, overall mood and attitude. But are these not all things God calls us to find in Him?

I realize that time and time again I have replaced God with working out in my life. The gym has become a place that I find comfort, security and almost self-worth. God desires us, but not only part of us...He wants all of us--all of our time, all of our hearts & all of our lives. Even though this time is going to be difficult, I know that God has provided it for a reason. God desires for us all to rest & to ultimately find life in Him alone. And I believe that He is going to bring true healing into my life.

Another long post, so sorry! Thanks for reading! Such good friends!!! My next post is going to be...before next year, I promise.

And thus it begins...

It is July today...and after careful calculation and recalculations (forgive me, it took me awhile to warm-up), I have come to the heart-wrenching realization that my summer is half over.

Tears aside, a month and a half has gone by...and what do I have to show for it? Sure, I've spent quality time with some good friends and family, but I can't help but look back and feel a sense of emptiness and unfulfillment with how I have chosen to spend my time, effort and emotion. More often than I'd like to admit, I find myself reflecting on this past year and falling into self-pity, depression and hopelessness. God, why did all these things happen? I question whether it was really necessary for God to allow so much hurt and anguish in order to show me how much I need Him. I like to blame God, blame anyone other than myself- I'm merely the victim. But when I ask God for greater clarity, I realize what a fool I am. God didn't let these things happen, I did. He's the one who kept pulling me through, guiding me away from darkness and into His light, forgiving and healing me. Without Him, I don't know if I would have survived this past year. Yet even after all that has happened, I'm slipping...and knowingly so. If I forget everything that I learned from this past year, doesn't that mean it would've all happened for nothing? I'm frustrated with how easily I forget how much I need God in my life- how easy it is for me to block Him out when everything in my life seems manageable and believe that I can live my own life without Him. But from this point forward, I refuse. I refuse to let myself slip away from who I am and away from God, I refuse to not care enough to do something about it, I refuse to let myself wallow in the past and I refuse to let the rest of this summer go to waste.

For leadership in my fellowship next year, we're required to read a book called "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections of Christian Leadership" by Henri Nouwen. One statement really spoke to me and now has manifested itself into my mind: "The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God." Crazy right? Also feels like a ridiculous amount of pressure. It just goes to show that despite all the ridiculous foolish things I think and do on the regular, God still sees me as someone worthy enough to be used as a vessel. Now that is love.

Alright I have made my very first post much too long- for that, I apologize. I sincerely hope I haven't scared you all away. Also, if you actually made it this far, I congratulate and thank you. Such friendship is greatly appreciated (and needed)! Best wishes & stay tuned :)